Not my fault....

What is with the coaching roullette this year? I understand that a bad scheme can significantly hurt your team's chances of winning, but shouldn't more fingers be pointed at the people that handle the football? Ted Cottrell was the newest unemployment addition this week, because Norv Turner explained that "The week to week improvement hasn't been there". Tough luck, Ted. The trend is, if the pupil isn't achieving, fire the teacher. I wonder why the Titans never blamed their losing seasons on Jeff Fisher? Probably because it wasn't his fault. Now they are 7-0.....

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Week 7

After watching this week in football, I've realized that no team is dominating the league, which leaves every NFL fan on the edge of their seat every weekend. This is 100 times better than waiting to see who is going to lose to the Patriots every week. 

The Good - The Titans stayed undefeated, and the press conference with Lendale White and Chris Johnson was priceless. While Chris Johnson just sat there and smacked on his gum, Lendale laid it down and explained how they beat the shitty Chiefs. Also, the Texans won again, which makes any Sunday good unto itself. Also, the Chiefs found their franchise QB in Tyler Thigpen by default with the loss of Damon Huard and Brodie Croyle for the season. 

The Bad - Reggie Bush went down with a knee injury and will be out for 2-4 weeks, which is no doubt a bummer. Brett Favre could not move the ball at all, despite all the hype. The Broncos made me turn off Monday Night football in the 3rd Quarter because New England was mopping their faces with the turf. Jeremy Shockey and Kellen Winslow Jr. talked shit about both of their teams, and coincidentally they are both having uncomfortable groin problems. 

The Ugly - The Cowboys came out this week and looked like shit against the Rams. I usually watch the games on Sunday among many rowdy Cowboys fans, yet this past Sunday, they all seemed to be asleep by the time the game was over. The Colts lost to the Packers in Lambeau, and Peyton Manning couldn't complete more than 50% of his passes. Last but not least - The Bengals. Only winless team left (Besides the Lions) - 07' Dolphins?

What? Really? Yes....

On Sunday, which may have been the longest game I've ever seen, the Raiders beat the Jets with a 57 Yard field goal by Sebastian Janikowski. Janikowski had tried field goals up to almost 70 yards and has missed 3 of them from 50 yards or more this season. As a huge Brett Favre fan, watching him fail to move the ball into scoring range 3 times in overtime alone hurt my soul. I grit my teeth and squinted my eyes when Janikowski prepared for his game winner, and unfortunatly he made it. 

After the win, Janikowski supposedly chugged a whole bottle of Vodka, made numerous racial slurs and punched a autograph seeker in the face. 

100% Cheese Free

Most of us call ourselves NFL fans, but the guy that had "Moss" on his chest, with multiple NFL tattoos, is the ultimate fan. Not only did he come to a Broncos - Patriots game, dressed as Beowolf, but he was drenched in purple and yellow, ready to represent Minnesota. The man's name is Syd Davy, from Winnipeg, and he made the trip to see his old friend Randy Moss. The game was a waste of my life, and in no way was amusing until Moss jumped into the arms of Davy after his second touchdown. The NFL needs more fans like 100% CheeseFree.

A New Tradition

I have recently (in the past couple of hours) started a new tradition. Since my fantasy team is sadly 2-5 now, I need to celebrate whenever I have the chance. The demise of Drew Brees and Ronnie Brown have brought joy to my life like none other that I have experienced since week 1. So I have decided that every week that I win, starting with this week, I will buy 2 40 oz. bottles of Arrogant Bastard Ale. It is 7.2% alcohol by volume and is quite enjoyable. It represents the "Arrogant Bastard" inside of me and helps me be optimistic about the upcoming football week. I will now recite the label that is located on the back of the bottle I am currently drinking.

Arrogant Bastard Ale: This is an aggressive beer. You probably won't like it. It is quite doubtful that you have the taste and sophistication to be able to appreciate an ale of this quality and depth. We would suggest you stick to a safer and more familiar territory - maybe something with a multi-million dollar ad campaign aimed at making you believe it's made in a little brewery, or one that implies that their tasteless fizzy yellow beer will give you more sex appeal. Perhaps you think multi-million dollar ad campaigns make a beer taste better. Perhaps you're mouthing the words as you read this.

Yes, It feels great to get a win, especially after a 5 week winless drought.

Start/Sit

On saturdays I will start my Start/Sit section of this blog. Don't you fuckin hate when other Blogs have a Start/Sit section and they say "Aaron Rodgers vs Indy....Start Him!". Like us Fantasy Footballers didn't already know that because if we do have him, he probably plays every week. I'm going to give you the most obscure players, maybe some you've never heard of, who will score you 10+ points this week. I will also give you the sure shot's that I'm gonna shoot down. 

Start - 

1. Johnnie Lee Higgins vs NYJ - He'll no doubt get more than 100 return yards, if that matters to anyone, but with all this WR controversy in Oakland, look for him to get 5 touches and maybe a TD

2. Ryan Grant vs IND - He hasn't looked all that great, and he has yet to get into the endzone, but last week he ran for 90 yards. Expect somewhere around 60 yards and a TD this week.

3. Sammy Morris vs DEN - Under most circumstances, I would never ever suggest a Patriots RB. It could be one of the worst fantasy running situation in football, but without Lamont Jordan and Lawrence Maroney, he could rack up some serious yards this week.

4. Kevin Walter vs DET - Schaub loves to throw to his white guys (Owen Daniels, Kevin Walter), but he just doesn't like to throw touchdowns to them. I'm gonna be bold and call TWO TDs for Walter.

5. Kolby Smith vs TEN - I know Tennessee has one of the scariest defenses in football, but I think that KC will switch it up this wek with Jamaal Charles and Kolby Smith. I think Smith will pull down 50 yards and a surprising TD. KC will still lose by 20.

Sit -

1. Ben Roethlisberger vs CIN - Cincinatti has stopped Tony Romo and Brett Favre respectably in the past two weeks. It look's tasty but it's poisonous!

2. Ronnie Brown vs BAL - Yes, Indianapolis wrecked the Baltimore defense last week, but it was pretty much all Chris McCallister's fault. Baltimore won't be fooled by that Wildcat shit, just like the Texans weren't (Eeek!). I just don't see him getting in the endzone this week.

3. Terrell Owens vs STL - Whether its Broken Pinkie Romo, or Old Man Johnson, I forsee alot of finger pointing and yelling on the sideline. 

4. Brandon Jacobs vs SF - I know hes like the scariest guy in football to tackle, but if not for that touchdown last week against a weak Cleveland defense, he looked like crap. I expect no touchdowns, and he will only crush 2 defensive players bones. 

5. Reggie Bush vs CAR - His knee is all swelled up, he's facing a stout Carolina defense and dammit he has to slow down sometime.

Brett Favre Can Cure Cancer

Is anyone troubled by the recent news that Brett Favre got Tony Romo on the phone and told him to suck it up and play this Sunday? Does that work with anyone? Can Brett Favre call anyone who is ailing and cure them by just mentioning his track record? It seems as if Tony Romo wants to play Sunday against the Rams, although he has a broken pinkie on his throwing hand. Maybe he should get Jon Kitna on the phone.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly for Week 6

The Good - The Browns and my main man Derek Anderson showed that they CAN play in the playoffs and they CAN put up mad fantasy numbers. Even though I had no confidence in Derek and yanked him for Matt Ryan 10 minutes before the noon games, he still stole my heart on Monday Night. Another great thing is that the freakin' Texans won. Yes we broke out of our season long losership, and it almost made for a 21 year old heart attack. QB Draw on 4th and 3, with 3 seconds on the clock? Jesus. Also, the Jets won, and Brett Favre threw 3 Touchdown passes. Unfortunatly, only one of them counted, because their offensive line can't resist the urge to get open for a downfield pass from the great one. Again, 21 year old heart attack.

The Bad - Tony Gonzalez is still a Chief. He is extremely mad about this and for good reason. It's like an old person stuck in a shitty, run-down retirement home. It's cold, dark, and you know you are going to die there. The Colts decided this week was going to be the week that they turn back the clock and turn into the old Colts. Just so happens this was the week I was playing Peyton Manning. I was watching the game on Sunday Ticket, and I couldn't get away from him. Every time he would throw a touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne or Starvin' Marvin, it would go to a commercial, where he is restraining a chicken from murdering a non-sports fan. Thank god he did or it would of gotten nasty.

The Ugly - Jon Kitna has been placed on Injured Reserve, offically ending the Lions season. Not that Kitna is even a decent Quarterback, but at least he doesn't trot out of his own endzone. The Redskins lost to the Rams at home and in an ugly fashion. Let's just say Jon Jansen wont be taking any snaps at Wide Reciver this week.

Wounded Cowboys

As a Texans fan, it makes me feel a bit warm inside posting this list of additions and subtractions the last week has caused the Cowboys. Feel free to add anything I might have missed.

Losses -

1. Matt Mcbriar (Punter) - Put on Injured Reserve, ending his season on Tuesday.
2. Felix Jones (Runningback/Kick Returner) - Out for a few weeks with a tender hammy. He's played real fuckin' good so far this season.
3. Tony Romo (Quarterback) - Out until their bye in week 10. Brett Favre called him today and said something along the lines of "What's wrong pussy?"
4. First, Third and Sixth round draft choices in 2009.
5. Adam "Pacman" Jones (Cornerback) - 'Goodell - "What did I tell you about breathing Pacman?"'
6. Dignity

Gains -

1. Roy Williams (Wide Reciever)- Apparently safety Roy Williams is extremely pissed.
2. Sam Paulescu (Punter) - This guy is now the happiest man in the world
3. Seventh round pick from the Lions - Sounds promising
4. A .500 Season
5. A whole bunch of shit from the media

Somebody pinch me

Undisclosed Illness

Does anyone else find it absolutely hilarious that Romeo Crenell emphasized that he really didn't want to comment on why Kellen Winslow was ailing this week? He kept saying things like "I'm not a doctor" and used the word "privacy" alot. He pretty much intrigued the media to research the matter futher and find out that he had balls the size your fist. Even if he is able to play on sunday, he will be very cautious about that 10 yard slant route. You never know when one of those Giants linebackers will lead with their helmet, and prevent any possibility of Kellen Winslow III. An iron jockstrap is in order I think.

Favre Pranks

Brett Favre is a funny guy. I mean it's not every day you see an NFL Quarterback throw some dead carcass in one of his starting outside linebackers' lockers. Supposedly Favre stuffed a dead turkey into a bag, mixed with blood and guts and left it in Eric Barton's locker. Probably the most media that Eric Barton has ever recieved in his NFL career, and chances are he doesn't give a shit, cuz the janitorial crew probably had to clean it up, so no problem there. But it seems as if there are a few pissed off animal activists that think that Brett's prank was very "Vick-like". Look, if Favre killed the Turkey, took it home and fed it to Deanna and the kids, noone would say shit, but since it was used for a hilarious prank, it wasn''t funny. Personally, as my starting fantasy quarterback, I think its fuckin' hilarious. Im glad he's showing some life at his old age. I think if the Jets win this upcoming game, a dead carcass is in order for every week, starting with grumpy old Lavernaues Coles. I tell you what, if Chad Pennington would of tried something like this, he would of been bitch slapped.

Fantasy Woes

The worst day of the week is inevitably Tuesday, the day I find out every week, what I feared after the Monday Night game. Another Loss. I must of used all of my fantasy luck in week 1, when somehow the league MVP went down with a mutilated knee because since then the fantasy gods have taken a huge dump on my chest. I know hearing other people's fantasy problems interests noone, but I have said nothing about it all season. I have lost 4 games in a row, a feat I have only broken once in my fantasy career. I have put together a list of things I have observed along this 4 game hell march, some tendancies that maybe some of you have had in the past. I am listing these things in hopes that things will change in week 6.

1. When your RB gets a 5 yard run, you quietly pump your fist.
2. While watching some of your IDP players, you catch yourself thinking "I think my guy got an arm in there"
3. You feel like you want to cry when your QB can't convert a 3rd and short
4. You hope that your players rack up some much needed points in trash time
5. When your friends start talking about Fantasy Football, you change the subject, afraid of them mentioning your shame.
6. You turn off the Monday Night game when you realized you've lost
7. You consider a Monday Night defensive interception for a touchdown by your linebacker a sincere possibility.
8. You start rearranging next week's lineup on Sunday Night
9. Watching opposing team's players scares you beyond any movie you've ever seen since you were 8.
10. You start rooting for the actual good teams to start beating the mediocre playoff competition
11. You check the waiver wire 200 times a day, at least.
12. You consider Trading for some Lions while they are at a low price
13. Your favorite players have become trade bait for useless crap (at least they don't have a bye)
14. You wake up at night yelling "Keep it away from Brandon Marshall dammit!"
15. You start thinking about what it would be like to have someone like Adrian Peterson next year.

These things are scary. It's quicksand that you DO NOT want to experience. Once these things have taken hold of you, rarely to you return to normal form, but I am set on doing so this year. Let's just hope that Derek Anderson and Brett Favre play like they were born to play, because I'm going down with the ship.

Regggayyy!

I had to change pants 3 times in the second half alone, Monday Night. Ranks second among all players in fantasy points, set a record with 2 punt returns for TDs in one game, and is dating Kim Kardashian. If he was running for president, I'd probably vote for him just because he does everything else well. Even with all the shit Reggie pulled, the Saints still couldn't win. For the record, the first 2 pants shitting occurences were his punt returns, soon followed by the Fathead commercial with the real life Spider-Man duct taped to the wall.

Bengal Thugs

This week the Cincinatti Bengals added a couple troubled players to their already stunning lineup. Cedric Benson, who can operate anything you ask him to while under the influence, was added as their new backup with the recent release of Kenny Watson. Although Watson has been a valuable asset to the Cincinatti backfield the past couple of years, the Bengals couldn't pass up on another convict (Kinda). Also, Chris Henry was back at Slot WR, only about 5 months to the day of his unconditional release from the team. He was arrested 5 times in his tenure as a Bungal. Is the Bengals front office just crammed full of absolute morons? I thought they were done harboring jailbirds. This team certainly does make a stake for maybe not the least talented, but definately one f the worst managed. Since I just so happen to play Tony Romo, T.O, and Felix Jones this week in fantasy football, everyone just pray for a defensive showdown. 

Week Cinco

With this week in Fantasy football, you will get many games that are worth watching. Mainly because the worst teams in football are watching from home, making NFL Sunday Ticket alot more enjoyable. The Raiders, Rams, and Browns all have byes to think about their football shame. One of the good games this week will be Ravens - Titans, where I predict a final score of 5-2 with many, many injuries. Also the Lance Moore show on Monday Night, hosted by Lance Moore. I foresee a big game, minus the help of Marques Colston and Jeremy Shockey. Finally, Maybe, Just maybe, my Houston Texans will be able to pick up a win against Peyton and the Colts. 

Darth Raider?

In the midst of Al Davis's yearly coach firing, Al Davis interviewed some coaching free agents behind the scene. Al's accusations of lying and betrayal, had Vader intrigued by the organization. On the day preceding "Kiffingate", Vader supposedly left a message for Davis saying "Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger." Al took his advice responding by text message "As you wish master." according to ESPN's Chris Mortenson. But why did he hire Tom Cable? Where did this "Tom Cable" come from? Some say Idaho. I say....the death star.

Fantasy Football Hate

So it seems that some coaches/teams absolutely hate fantasy footballers. The Patriots not only have a shitty running back by committee approach, but they wait til 45 seconds before kickoff to tell you who's not playing that day. The Saints can't decide who they want to score their touchdowns, even though they throw down about 75 points a game. The Ravens have more functional running backs than the Lions, Packers and Bengals combined. What happened to the good ol' days of one running back, whooping ass week after week, with undeniable results. It seems that every team in the NFL that had a stud RB, woke up on draft day and said "What if we had 2 of those?" While I'm being pissed off, I guess I should also mention that I fucking hate when they hand it to the Fullback on the one. In fact, if not for 4th and one on the goal line in Madden, I would probably be down to get rid of fullbacks altogether. Fullbacks and second string tight ends have lost me more games in my fantasy career than being faithful to the Texans. I tell you what, if on Sunday I stop posting, it will be because Cedric Benson and/or Fred Jackson pull in a TD to prevent me from my pathetic second fantasy win of the season, and I probably hung myself. 

Are you Hootie?

Was anyone else watching the blowout in New York on Sunday, and watched Anquan Boldin go down and ask yourself "Am I watching Jerry Maguire?". I fully expected him to get up and do some crazy ass spin and start to breakdance in the endzone for the enjoyment of the Meadowlands fans. I watched and waited.....waited some more....changed the channel to the Rams - Bills game, turned it back....waited....no dancing. He was just loaded onto the stretcher and taken off the field. But wait? Where's Drew Rosehaus? Was he not waiting there for an emotional tearful hug? No little kid with glasses that make his eyes look 10 times bigger than they actually are? What a ripoff. 

Walk the Plank

The Rams must of read my post a few days ago and gave Linehan the axe. Haslett will take over, who did a pretty nice job with the saints a few years ago, and he will immediatly reinstate Bulger as his QB. On another note, Brett Favre threw 6 Touchdowns this week, and for some reason I still fell 2 points short on fantasy. I was rooting for the Texans all the way down the stretch, because they are my team, even though I was facing Matt Schaub (35.75 Fantasy Points), and they still lost. It seems like every sunday somebody sticks a big knife in my heart, takes it out, and pats me on the back as if to say "You'll get em' next week". Texans are winless, my fantasy record is 2-6 collectively, and I just drank the last Shiner in my fridge. Where is this light at the end of the tunnel everyone talks about?

Week 4 Eve

On the night before Week 4, I will go to sleep with high hopes that Marshawn Lynch will fulfill his destiny and throw down 100 yards and reach paydirt twice to catapult me to my second fantasy win of the season. I know what your thinking - 2nd win? Thats weak. But Listen, Derek Anderson was not supposed to be the flop he has been, he's just been playing the fucking superdefenses around the league. Now that he gets to play a college level defense that is the Bengals, we can see what he can really do. I just hope the grinch doesn't visit my house tonight and steal all my fantasy touchdown dreams.

Cowherless

Bill Cowher has announced he won't be coaching until at least 2011. Those of us who miss the endless spitting and yelling will just have to wait (or watch the CBS pregame). It seems like Cowher could step in and catapult a couple shitty teams into the playoffs right now. I mean have you seen the talent that the Rams have? It's almost like Linehan has never coached football before, and his players despise him. Steven Jackson said about Bulger "He's our General....You don't pay someone $60-something million to sit him on the bench". Obviously, Bulger is pissed, but to the point of not wanting to play for the Rams anymore. Not the worst team in football, but definately the worst coached. What ever happened to the greatest show on turf?

Rookie Mistake

Rashard Mendenhall supposedly "accidently" texted Ray Rice, the backup that shares time in Baltimore, some trash talk that shook up the defense today. So does Rashard have Ray Rice in his phonebook? Do all rookies exchange numbers at the combine or something? I dont buy it Rahsard, I think you did it on purpose. Just pray Ray Lewis and the Raven's D don't mangle your family after that little mix up. 

C'mon Romeo

When Derek Anderson sold his soul to the devil last year, Satan apparently did not include 2008 in the deal. Braylon Edwards also made the deal, but at first refused unless he was aloud to say "It's Braylon" in an NFL Network commercial. I hope the devil has sympathy on poor Derek this week against a Cincinatti defense that couldn't keep up with mean Joe Flacco on foot. Derek will do good enough in week 4 so that he temporarily keeps his job, but he doesn't have much time. Satan isn't too kind to QB's. just ask Tom Brady.

Regarding the Top 10 through Week 3

Did anyone see how somehow the top 5 Defensive players were cornerbacks? Usually the top players have more tackles than other peoples points but not so in the first three weeks. Also, Johnnie Lee Higgins has snuck up to number 6 in receivers, pretty impressive for a guy who sounds like he should be in a Mark Twain book. Did someone say it was going to be a WR year? I'm pretty sure it's a backup RB year, with 2 out of the top 10 and number 11 and 12 all being backups.

QB Roulette

It seems like every year the same teams struggle with absolutely shitty QB's and refuse to change their stubborn ways. The Kansas City Cheifs inquired about getting Brady Quinn of all people this week, trying to break up with short time girlfriend Tyler Thigpen. Adam Schefter was talking about how, by the way that Thigpen played this last week, there are probably better QB's on NFL practice squads. I think he's right. My roommate this week started Tyler Thigpen, and watching him cringe in pain every time KC got the ball was heartwrenching (but also guiltfully satisfying). On Sundays I check NFL.com every breath I take, and it seemed I could never catch KC with the ball, because they were always playing defense. This week the Cheifs will start Damon Huard, and I will again make sure to keep that channel off my Sunday ticket for the second week in a row.

It's here!

The NFL season finally kicked off last night with the Giants beating the Redskins 16 - 7. Alot of people will say that the Giants looked sharp, but to me, besides that first drive and Plaxico catching everything thrown his way, they didn't look like Super Bowl champs. I think it was more a culmination of the Redskins looking awful. They could not get a pass rush on Eli unless they sent 6 or 7, and even then Eli usually got it off.

On a humerous side note, one of my roommates was looking for a quick fix to his Fantasy TE problem before week 1 since he lost Benjamin Watson to injuries. Needless to say we were drunk preceding the first game of the NFL season, and knowing that he is kind of new to fantasy, I suggested Kevin Boss (Giants TE) to fill his hole. He agreed and Boss caught 0 passes for 0 yards.

It's a cutthroat world out there, don't always believe what you hear - Noob